A new discovery by the Krewe of Comatose
could forever alter the face of Catholicism.
Searching for evidence of a depraved new
world - a task the somnambulistic, mysterious krewe embraced with
missionary zeal - Comatose used an assortment of smelling salts and
other substances to rouse itself to what passes for life with this
zombified group. Having achieved semi-consciousness, the languid souls
prepared to lick dry the dew of depravity that mildews the masses.
Her Majesty Queen ______ and
His Majesty King _______
Comatose decided to begin the investigation
within the neurological underpinnings of spiritual and mystical
experience deep within their own saturated minds. Brain autopsies of
the current membership shockingly revealed the complete lack of an
amygdala, leaving them devoid of fear and unable to recognize threats.
Further tests revealed that continuous
ingestion of psychedelics had put the brakes on the krewe's collective
hippocampus, leaving them also unable even to maintain equilibrium. In
short, they were uniquely qualified to access the subliminal
consciousness of New Orleans.
The vision that came to them revealed a
cunning, linguistic priest. This shadowy Father figure had studied
ancient texts, and found a crucial mis-translation of a word from the
earliest of priestly laws, a mistake that had copied over and over
through the ages. The error was simple, but implications were
staggering: that single, misinterpreted word was "celebrate", not
Immediately sharing the joy of his
discovery, the priapatic priest alerted all the local convents (and
Catholic girls' schools). In the divinely orgiastic epiphanies that
followed, Comatose locked onto the formerly deprived, now depraved
minds of the celebrants, and the secret was out.
Comatose will break its discovery to the
world during the Krewe du Vieux parade on January 19, donning all
manner clerical garb and adorning itself with chasubles, albs,
birettas, surpluses, delmatics, and mitres. Our Lady of Perpetual Mojo,
the "Promptest Seductress of All", shall ride magnificently atop their
float. She and her lustful pastor will exercise and exorcise to the
sounds of holy brass band music. Collection plates will encourage
bystanders to donate to the Comatose Nunnery for Nymphomaniacs.
Comatose will lick the habit with missionary zeal.