MARTINI-MARIETTA - The entire American space
project, futurologists and visionaries such as Carl Sagan, Bucky
Fuller, Robert Heinlein - even Arthur C. Clarke himself could never
have foreseen that which Comatose hath wrought for this depraved new
His Majesty King Jeff
As the world slept and worked and counted
ballots and looked up towards the heavens, yearning for the day when
everyone, everywhere, could step out into the street with a "go-cup",
the quiet, strong and brave members of the Krewe of Comatose toiled
tirelessly in preparation for getting blasted off.
The rigorous training for this top secret
mission has included consuming large quantities of liquid propellant;
spinning around in giant centrifuges; inhaling deeply at rave parties;
and being bombarded with deadly extra-terrestrial chads. This
exhaustive regimen, combined with poor breeding, the best New Orleans
public school educations and serious substance abuse has proven without
a doubt that Comatose does indeed possess "The Wrong Stuff".
Recent events across America, particularly
those in Florida, have demonstrated that in fact many people are truly
Comatose. Therefore, the time has come to reveal the (un)nature of the
Toiling deep within the bowels of the
Martini-Marietta space facility and lounge, Comatose has built a rocket
more powerful than anything seen before on this planet. Fueled by
dimpled chads and Nader campaign literature, it is capable of launching
a light-weight payload to the farthest reaches of the galaxy.
The last stumbling block to the success of
this mission was finding a lightweight payload. However, an obvious
candidate has emerged: that scion of federal featherheads, George W.
Bush. Following the fallacy his ascension to the presidency, the
younger Shrub will soon be catapulted to a distant galaxy. The
preliminary landing target for the airhead astronaut is the oil-based
To protect the fledgling space cadet against
the dangers of extra-terrestrial travel and accurate vote tallies,
Shrub will be given a magical phallic chainy, as well as dunce-cap
shaped space helmet and an elephantine co-pilot.
Lift-off is set for the night of February 10
at 7 pm.. All citizens are urged to be properly fueled and fired up,
and reminded to "lick Bush".